Trust me, Things Get Worse.
(In a nice, upscale restaurant, a large family is seated. There are
five people, a heavyset older woman in her mid 60s, a man in his mid
40s who is dressed up in Renaissance-style clothing, a woman who is
all but concealed from the world under a long black cloak, and two
young women, one who is in her early 20s and looks very nervous and
another who is an older teenager who is draped in colorful flowy
clothing and is carrying a fishbowl containing a very flamboyant and
beautiful fish.)

                                               Cast
Emilie: A young woman with multiple personalities               Arthur: Emilie’s father
Rose: Emilie’s grandmother              Audrey: Emilie’s sister
Renata: Emilie and Audrey’s mother, Arthur’s wife               Waiter: A waiter
Pierre: A fish/Audrey’s lover

Rose: Audrey, dear, you know grandma loves you, right? And I would
never stop loving you no matter what?
Audrey: Yes, grandma, but why are you telling me this?
Rose: It’s just…well dear, why do you keep carrying that fishbowl
around everywhere? You are 18 years old, not three. Don’t you think
it’s rather childish?
Audrey: Childish? What are you talking about?? There is absolutely
nothing childish about this!!
Emilie: (Whispering to Rose) Grandma, listen…we can’t talk about
that….Audrey’s been having some…difficult times and she…(Suddenly
growing loud and obnoxious) SHE’S GOING FREAKING NUTS!!! BAHAHA, SHE
CAN’T EVEN GET A DATE SO SHE’S STUCK WITH A FISH!!!!! (To Audrey) YOU
ARE SUCH A BIG LO-lo, lalalalovely young woman, I love you so much
Audrey, look at you growing up. I’m so proud to be your big sister.
Arthur: Hear, hear! Audrey, my dear, despite thine principals of free
love and bestiality, thou art a rose in mine eye. You are so beautiful
and perfect, you are growing up to be the daughter I always hoped to
have.
Pierre:*Splash*
Emilie: (Angry and jealous) What about me Dad? Do tell, if she’s a
rose, what am I? A dandelion? A huge freaking weed in the yard of your
life?! WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Arthur: Baby, I feel the same way about you, your sister, she was just-
Emilie:SHUT UP AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God, I am so sorry….I didn’t
mean it….I..I..I…(Childlike) oooooh, look outside Daddy, there’s a
bunny in the grass!
Audrey: I love bunnies!
Emilie: I EAT BUNNIES!!!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Renata: (Very quietly) Children, please….please, we’re in public,
can’t you behave for just once? Just this once…please…
(Waiter enters)
Waiter: Good evening ladies and gentleman. What can I get you folks to drink?
Rose: Whisky!!!!!
Arthur: Mead, good sir! And plenty of it!
Audrey: One glass of red wine please.
Emilie: Audrey, you are 18 years old, why are you trying to order an
alcoholic beverage? Dear sister, I do worry about you.
(Mischieviously) And your fish problems!!!
Audrey: (Offended and sad) Oh….I guess just a Pepsi for me then..
Emilie: I would like some chocolate milk…no….wait…..blood!!!!! I mean,
um, tea…no, wait…just give me a nice big bottle of antifreeze so I can
get this all over with…you know what, just give me some water…
Waiter: (Slightly disturbed) Okaaaaayyyyy then…..and what about you ma’am?
Renata: (Depressed) Everclear. Now. Just a huge effing bottle of
Everclear. Nothing else.
Waiter: (Highly uncomfortable with their presence) Umm..well, I will
be right back with that…(mumbled) please don’t hurt yourselves…or
anyone else.
Arthur: Sir, I do apologize for our most unorthodox attitude tonight.
I’m not sure what demons hath polluted the minds of my familiy, but I
do promise, I shall try my hardest to help them work out whatever
problems that are causing this unusual behavior.
Waiter: Whatever dude, just back up and sit down.
Rose: (Stands up menacingly and glares at the waiter) What is wrong
with you? You do not talk to my son like that! Never!!
Waiter: Seriously old lady, just sit down and-
Rose: I WILL BEND YOU OVER YOU LITTLE BIT-
Arthur: Mother!!!!!
(Waiter runs away)
Rose: Sit down Arthur. There’s something I need to tell you.. Do you
remember why you became so fascinated with knighthood as a child?
Arthur: No Mama.
Rose: (Slurring and obviously drunk) Well, that was back when we were
having a hard time and I had to work the streets for a living. Only
problem was, I’m not your mama, I’m your daddy and I couldn’t get rich
men’s money as a man so I dressed as a woman and when they got close
enough, I beat ‘em with a baseball bat and stole their wallets. Then I
found out how much I loved wearing makeup and dresses and never wanted
to be a man again. That’s right girls, I’m your grandpa!
Emilie: (Childlike) Grandpa grandpa!!! Yay, hi grandpa! (Paranoid)
Wait, what the hell are you talking about you crazy old bat?! I’ve
walked in on you in the shower, there is no way you’re a dude!!!!
(Depressed) Oh my god, my whole life is a lie……
Audrey: Grandma, you probably just forgot your medicine, it’s okay,
here, let me look in your purse and see if it’s here. And besides, we
know grandpa. He lives with you. Geez, calm down, you’ve had wayyy too
much to drink.
Emilie: I JUST WANT TO EAT!!!! Why can’t we have one normal meal as a
family?!?!
Renata: YOU PEOPLE ARE SO SCREWED UP!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!
I’m out of here, I’ve put up with this for 25 years, I’M DONE!
(Renata, who is drunk, tries to run away and makes it about 15 feet
before running into the wall and getting knocked out)
Rose: You don’t understand! Your grandma isn’t feeling well, so I
dressed up as her while she stayed at home and rested!! She likes it
when I wear her clothing!! Why don’t you believe me?!?! (Rose sobs
quietly to her/his/itself)
(Waiter returns)
Waiter: I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask all of you to leave
immediately, and if you don’t I’m going to call the cops on you.
Arthur: What? Wait, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? (Pulls out a long and
very sharp sword) Now listen to me right now, you will not tell me
what to do. Since I was a child, I have dreamed of becoming the
greatest knight ever to grace the Americas! You will not treat my
family so shamefully!!! Have you no honor man? You WILL serve us like
we deserve!!
(Waiter points to a sign on the wall that reads “We have the right to
refuse service to anyone”)
Arthur: Well shit. Girls, get grandpa, I’ll go get your mother. Who
wants to go to McDonalds?
Audrey: I do!
Emilie: I don’t. Yes I do. NO, seriously, I don’t. SHUT UP WILL YOU?!
Your opinion doesn’t matter!!!!! I hate you and I wish you were never
born!! You are me so shut up!!! I hate myself too!!!!!

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